You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
