If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
