I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize