I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
