Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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