i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
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