i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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