There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
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