I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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