so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
