Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I need water and some morals
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize