If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
