Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
