how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
