I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
