We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
do herpes really smell.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
