Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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