he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
