His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
