i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
