Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
