I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
