She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
