Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
