i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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