First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
