I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
