Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
