I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Randomize