Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
