i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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