you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
