Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
