you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
