Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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