I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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