He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
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