connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
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