the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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