Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
