is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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