I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
