She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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