Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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