My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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