I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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