I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I party with great urgency now.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
