My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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