Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
