Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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