i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
