when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
