I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
