You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
