Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We had sex on a dog bed..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
