saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
