You made me cry and you don't even care
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
