Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
