Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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