i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
