if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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