bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
