if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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